The measure of love is to love without measure. St. Francis de Sales

When one loves, one does not calculate. St. Therese of Lisieux

True love deserves its reward, it does not demand it. St. Bernard de Clairvaux

All that we do is a means to an end, but love is and end itself, because God is love. St. Edith Stein

One of the downsides of the computer age is that it has led to an increased emphasis on measurement, in both the number of things that can be measured and the accuracy of those measurements. Just think of the precision now used in determining winners in a  very close race. I suspect that such a focus on counting has a spillover effect to life in general.

These four saints are telling us that “incalculability” is in the very nature of love. One sometimes hears partners respond to an “I love you” with “I love you more”. Of course, there’s nothing wrong with saying that and I’m sure in most cases the two do not keep a running list of who “loves more”.

However, when serious conflicts arise between people, I suspect there emerges a tendency to get out the “love calculator”. “Look at all the money I spent on her and all she’s done is take, take, take! "or “I spend a thousand dollars of my hard-earned money just so he can go on his annual fishing trip, and he’s never ever said ‘thank you!’”. When the love calculator comes out, you know the relationship is in trouble.

I think it can be the same with our relationship to God. I grew up on a farm and recall a conversation between my mom and a neighbor, who was very angry about the crop damage they had suffered because of a hailstorm. Though she didn’t say it directly, what she said implied that God had not protected their crop, despite the fact that they are regular church attendees. She went on to state that the farm across the road from their field had no damage and noted that the owners of that land never go to church”. It’s so easy to fall into a “tit for tat” kind of thinking when one feels cheated by God because things didn’t go the way we had hoped, or even prayed for.

In these matters, I think it helps to reflect on love relationships in the human plane. For example, when a child (young or grown up) hurts a parent through neglect, word, or even action, a loving parent would not remind the wayward offspring that he had changed his diapers, and so “he owes her”. Through the eyes of that parent, the love calculator showed a great imbalance. In all likelihood, the parent-child relationship has even less chance of  healing after such encounters.

On the positive side, most of us know of divorced couples who seem to have thrown away their love calculators (at least from the outside perspective), and continue to love each other even in the face of heartbreaking events between them. For example, I know of  a situation in which a partner—the one seen as guilty for the breakup— became terminally ill and the former spouse moved in with her as she lived out her final days.

I would suggest that if you are seeking to have at least a taste of what God’s love is like, work towards get rid of those love calculators—not into the recycling bin, but out with the garbage.

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Don’t be surprised. That which is given for the love of God is never diminished but increases. Bl Columba of Rieti

Since I began to love, love has never forsaken me. It has ever grown to its own fulness within my innermost heart. St. Catherine of Genoa

One of the few things I remember from physics is that energy and matter are interchangeable, i.e., the amount of energy and/or matter remain the same, regardless of transformations. Yet these two holy women are telling us that love is different: the more loving we become, the more love we will have. One is reminded of Jesus’ teaching in Matthew 25:29. “For whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them.” 

Yes, things work differently in one’s “innermost heart” to use St. Catherine’s words. Why would that be the case? I think it’s a reflection of the Gospel teaching of the “Kingdom of God” as being “among you” (Luke 17:21). For me, it means that  when we are in “love mode”, we become more acutely aware of the Divine mystery of love, both within ourselves and in those around us. It’s like a fire that seems to feed on itself (though from a physics perspective, it is “exchanging” mass for energy with nothing gained or lost)

Most of know what it feels like to “fall in love” (or have heard others speak of the experience). Those affected typically take a whole new outlook on life, which observers might refer to as seeing with rose-colored glasses.  Poets and musicians have been striving to express that experience, but it remains mysterious—it  has a way of defying logic and clear thinking. As the Old Bard put it, “Love and reason keep little company together” (A midsummer Night’s Dream)  The Kingdom of God/Love is not grasped through the head, but through the heart. " It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, ; what is essential is invisible to the eye” Antoine de Saint-Exurpery  (The Little Prince)

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When the heart is pure it cannot help loving, because it has discovered the source of love which is God. St. John Vianney

May Jesus Christ, our Lord, be forever the sole possessor of our hearts, as he will be, if we love and seek only him in all things. St. Marie of the Incarnation

It is unfortunate that the idea of purity of heart has been “tamed” and understood as not having “bad thoughts” or “evil desires”. It seems that what these two saints are saying is that there is kind of “all or nothing” quality to one’s relationship to the Divine Mystery--a giving over of one’s heart to God. Purity of heart, I believe, is about committing to live one’s life as a person of love. How is this accomplished? Is it even possible?

For St. John, it’s about realizing that human loves, though fraught with limitations, have their ultimate source in God’s love. He even goes so far as to say that once our hearts have chosen to be open to the presence and action of God in our lives, our lives can’t help being shot through with love.

Nonetheless, we will have to be accepting of our humanity and remember that on this side of eternity we will continue to fall short. So we can take comfort in St. Marie’s use of the word “seek”: Seeking is not the same as finding and we will continue to miss the mark as we seek. Part of knowing the love of God is knowing a Divine mercy: God’s love is a patient and forgiving love, though we may not be so with ourselves.

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Learn to love God tenderly, wisely, courageously: tenderly so we are not lured away, wisely so we do not stumble away, courageously so we are not pushed away from the Lord. St. Bernard de Clairvaux

What I think is most significant about this quote is the first word. Because we so often hear the  word “love” used in conjunction with “falling in love”, it is easy to forget that the fullness of the mystery of love is in a sense learned—and  the lessons continue until we draw our last breath. It really is one of those “journey not destination” kinds of things.

St. Bernard has chosen his words carefully: “tenderly, wisely, and courageously”. As suggested in both of the Biblical testaments, love of God involves the whole person: heart, soul, strength, and mind (see Matthew 22:37).  Understanding these aspects of our being as “energy centers” can help us find our points of imbalance: Here are some questions that have “worked” for me to achieve a course correction:  Do I avoid tenderness or am I too easily swayed by emotions(heart)?  Could I be seeking to acquire more knowledge (mind) rather than the wisdom which accompanies living? Am I sufficiently at home in my body so that I may “stand my ground”, but do so respectfully and without violence?

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Love and you shall be loved. St. Francis of Assisi

We find rest in those we love, and we provide a resting place in ourselves for those who love us. St. Bernard of Clairvaux

These two quotes suggest that the essence of love is some kind of mutuality, but reality does not always mesh. What about small acts done with love, even of the most mundane kind?  How does one feel when there is no “thank you wave” after allowing a car to change lanes in heavy traffic? More poignantly, there is the Gospel account (Luke 17; 11-19) of the ten lepers who were cured, and only one returning to Jesus to give thanks.

Fr. Ronald Rolheiser, in his book The Holy Longing: the search for a Christian spirituality, suggests that on earth “all symphonies are unfinished” and that earthly loves are ultimately unrequited. Yet we are called to trust that the “energy” of love is never lost—it is both the “source, engine, and conclusion of the universe.” (Richard Rohr). St. Paul is unambiguous about it “Love never ends” (Corr. 9-13).

When I worked in the area of children’s special needs, I came across a story about a student who had been successful in her school career despite significant learning and behavioral issues. When asked who was most instrumental in her success, this child—now and adult—mentioned that it was the school bus driver. She went on the explain that whenever this particular driver picked her up for school, she was recognized and understood. No words were ever exchanged, yet those authentic “little” connections made all the difference.  True story.