We must fear God out of love, not love him out of fear. St. Francis de Sales

From the vantage point of trusting God as love, I’ve always been puzzled by  the phrase “fear of God”. In this rather clever quote by St. Francis de Sales, the expression is turned on its head. However, what could it mean to “fear God out of love”?

An analogy may be helpful. When one is in an authentic loving relationship, though hopefully one is not frightened of the other, one would strive to act and say things that are of the quality of “loving”. Why? Because (in a sense only understood by those who love) “love demands it”. Indeed, if one is scared of a person we supposedly love, it may be worthwhile to assess the quality of that relationship and repair what needs changing.

So it is in our relationship with God. When we trust in the reality of God’s personal love for us, our lives are changed. We become more attuned to those qualities and actions that strengthen the love bond between ourselves and God. Therefore, we would become more disposed to incorporating kindness, forgiveness, trust, gratitude, social justice, and so on into our lives. Just as is the case in any love-based relationship, it tends to grow over time and not without those “tests” of love that life has a way of presenting.

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Let your love be strong and constant, neither giving in to fear nor cowering at hard work.  St. Bernard of Clairvaux

St. Bernard seems to be emphasizing the “work” element of love: not giving up on the challenges of relationships. One must be strong and constant—in other words, committed to maintaining the loving connection.

However, I  am personally uneasy about St. Bernard’s use of the word, cowering, because only fearful people cower. Indeed, cowering can be seen as the very embodiment of fear. It is heartbreaking to see scenes in the media which show children afraid of what their parents may do to them or spouses who put themselves down so as not to “poke the bear” that is their life partner.

Yes, love is hard work. However, when a relationship is grounded in fear, such as is the case in physical or psychological abuse, it is important to take decisive action, as difficult and fear-producing as that may be. It becomes a matter of giving priority to love; not of the abuser but towards oneself. It is only from the vantage point of self value that one may embark on repair of a relationship can only be based on mutual love and respect.  

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Let love overcome shyness. Let affection drive out fear. St. Aelred of Rievaulx

Scientists tell us that only 30% of shyness is a result of inborn factors (genetics), so most of shyness is situational and learned. Most of us probably have encountered people who are not very forthcoming in certain social environments but not so in others. Someone who has no difficulty speaking to crowds may clam up in the intimacy of a small social gathering.

St. Aelred suggests that shyness is likely grounded in fear. When we say that we are not “comfortable” in a certain situation, we are really saying that we are fearful in some way; for example, getting someone angry, embarrassing your life partner, hurting your reputation, or being misunderstood.

However, when we are among those with those whom we love (and love those we are with), we are no longer shy. Those folks are accepting of our foibles and we trust that any breaches or gaffes can be healed through the work of forgiveness

What about our relationship with God? Are we “shy” with God? If so, it may be indicative of a fear-based connection, rather than one of unconditional love on the part of God. Can we accept that what applies to the security of loving social relations applies to God and us as well?

Are we shy when we pray? Do we rely on formulaic prayers and rituals to the exclusion of simply talking to God?  Jesus seemed pretty clear on this matter: “When you pray, go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret” (Matt. 6-6)

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O Heart of Love, I put all my trust in you. For I fear all things from my own weakness, but I hope for all things from your goodness. St. Margaret Mary Alacoque

Even at an ordinary level, trust is the antidote for fear. For example, many people, before going into surgery develop a trusting relationship with their surgeon, even though they may have not met her before. So much of our day to day trusting is based on contractual type exchanges rooted on one’s sense of the other’s competence. St. Margaret Mary’s trust is of a different kind, it is grounded in what she refers to as God’s “heart of love”. It certainly has a “child-like” quality, which Jesus gave as a key to the Kingdom of God (Matt 18-3)

Because of that rock-solid trust in a loving God, the Saint is not afraid to acknowledge her shortcomings and admits that fears have a way of arising from that realization. For many, the fear is based in the mistaken belief that one is unworthy of God’s love, a not uncommon fear in the human world of relationships as well. I think it points to a major challenge: can we trust in in the “goodness” of God’s  heart of Love, one that  not only eases  fears, but over time obliterates them?  

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