If someone you love offends you, continue to love them despite the hurt. Their conduct may compel you to withdraw friendship, but never love. St. Aelred of Rievaulx.

Sr. Aelrod’s quote gets to the an essential aspect of love, particularly in today’s social media crazed world (in which it is possible to “friend” and “unfriend” someone with the push of a button). Friendships are complex and like so much of life require time and attention to thrive, much like a well-tended garden. Good gardeners patiently nurture and coax along their plants and, most importantly I think, know each of them in their uniqueness, it takes time to “know” someone. As the song has it, “It takes time to move a mountain; I takes time for love to be” (popularized by Anne Murray)

I suspect most friendships end not because of being “offended’, rather they die a slow death. Sometimes changes in lifestyle, residence, or work place precipitate the dissolution, but in many cases it ‘fades away” and the former friends do not become enemies. There develops a tacit understanding between them that everyone is on a unique life path which sometimes intersects with one’s own, but only rarely for lifetimes.

As for an‘ offence’, my experience is that between friends, they are often based on misunderstandings that are allowed to take on a life of their own. Lack of courage and sheer laziness can prevent the parties from reconciling. Like mushrooms, these so-called offences grow and multiply in the darkness of fear, distrust, and a lack of sufficient regard for oneself.

However, the saint’s teaching is important, one that has application far beyond the intimacy of friendship. In short, there is a critical difference between ‘liking’ and ‘loving’. What this means is that when offended (real or imagined), we must strive to avoid the very human tendency not only want to take revenge, but also to allow a hatred (for lack of a more precise word) to develop. Even more tragic are situations in which the parties contribute to an acceleration of mutual hatred.

So, in this sense, hate is the opposite of love. We “know” (at some inchoate level) what it feels like to love another, and we also know what it is to hate. However, most spiritual teachers point out that the opposite of love is not hate, rather it is fear. Someone has “done me wrong” and so I am not only sad and angry, but I fear that I may have deserved the action or words against me or (more frightening) that I am not lovable.

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I beg you love everyone with the love of charity but have no friendship except with those who can share a virtuous love with you.  What a good thing it is to love on earth as we shall love in Heaven and learn to cherish one another here as we shall do forever there. St. Francis de Sales.

In our current society, St. Francis de Sales sounds a bit old-fashioned in his definition of “friendship”. What does it mean to “share a virtuous love”?

Our understanding of “virtuous” is often restricted to physical intimacy, but I believe it goes far beyond, though it may incorporate physical intimacy. Perhaps it  is about developing relationships grounded on truth, mutual respect and freedom—a freedom that does not involve ‘using’ the other to meet one’s ego-driven needs. I also wonder if De Sales is referring to human relationships that are restrictive of openness to the world beyond the friendship, sometimes referred to as “egoism a deux’.

To me, St. Francis' words suggest  that “virtuous” friendships, while “good” remain relatively rare and those that span much of a lifetime are even fewer in number.  (A wise person has said that “You can’t make new old friends”)  What this saint is suggesting is that the experience of “virtuous” friendship (not excluding the spousal) may well be a foretaste of the fulfilment  beyond the portal of death. If “Heaven” isn’t that, I find it hard to imagine what it could be like.

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All love is not friendship, for we may love without being loved. Then love but not friendship exists. Friendship is mutual love, and unless it is mutual, it is not friendship. St. Francis de Sales

In today’s world of social media, the distinction between love and friendship seems to be blurring. It is far from just “semantics”; rather it points to a major shift towards a what may be a greater superficiality between people. Friendship seems to be understood “quantitatively—it is important to have lots of friends rather than a true I-thou connection between a few.

Yet, most of us can intuit that there is a real difference between acquaintances and friends. It has a way of coming into focus during times of transition. Whom do you invite to your wedding? Whom do you contact when a death occurs? Who will remain in your circle after your retirement?  

However, a more fundamental issue is raised by St. Francis de Sales: “all love is not friendship”. They point to the reality that love is much broader than friendship and that the mutuality that evolves in the growth of friendship is a rather “special case” of love. In other words, our love must extend beyond the ease and comfort of friendship. Indeed, Jesus tells us to even “love our enemies” (Luke 6:27) I am reminded of a homily in which the priest sardonically quipped that “We do have to love everyone, but that doesn’t mean you need to share your place in heaven with them”.

In its broadest sense, love (as taught by Jesus) is not fundamentally about the mutuality that arises from relationships based on  “warm fuzzy feelings” or even “being in love”.Christ-centred love is about a certain “stance” one chooses as circumstances arise: you move into a new apartment building and the neighbor plays loud music,  your work colleague has bad breath, or someone sells you a car that dies within a week. As psychiatrist Dr. Scott Peck wrote “Life is difficult”. (First line in The Road Less travelled, 1978)