Spread love everywhere you go; first of all, in your own house. St. Teresa of Kolkata

Keep the joy of loving God in your heart, and share this joy with all you meet, especially your family, Teresa of Kolkata

In these times of significant societal shifts, there exists a general sense that there is “something wrong” with the family unit. Once seen as a solid “building block for a healthy society”, these days, the concept of family is becoming ever more fluid.

Rather than bemoaning what is happening around us, it may be worthwhile to give some attention to what this Saint saying: love is the glue that maintains—if not defines—what family means, regardless of its configuration.

As an “only child” I am the last to pontificate about the topic of sibling relationships. I have, however, participated in my wife’s family gatherings over our 53 years of marriage and have concluded that much of what is discussed among grown up brothers and sisters has to do with love—between/among them as well as the quality (or quantity!) of love shown to them by parents. Even as senior citizens, the siblings still ask questions that hearken to those early formative years in the sanctity of the home.

St. Teresa’s use of the word ‘joy’ suggests that a joyful family is a loving family. Of course, joy is not the same as happiness, which is fleeting and subject to the ups and downs of our days. Joy arises from a sense of connectedness— a deep gratitude for the ‘givenness’ and wonder of it all.

What is the “fuel” of joy in the family? The Saint tells us that it is “loving God”, reminding us that a deep grounding in one’s personal relationship with the Divine makes it possible to be a person who radiates an often subtle sense of “all rightness” with the family, despite its inevitable heartbreaks.  Such an orientation to life in general makes it possible to accept the uniqueness of each family member within the oneness that defines “family”. Without a grounding in God’s love, remaining joyful within that tension can be overwhelming leading to shunning members and/or to abandoning the family unit.

In his daily message of October 30, 2023, Fr. Richard Rohr offers a beautiful vignette, based on what he observed while serving as a deacon in  Acoma Pueblo:  “Invariably at sunrise, I would see a mother outside the door of her home, with her children standing beside her. She and the children would be reaching out with both hands uplifted to “scoop” up the new day and then “pour” it over their heads and bodies in blessing.” If that’s not joy-infused love, I don’t know what is.

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Love for the children is the best teacher…One can entrust children only to someone who loves them.  Love in your heart, love in your tone of voice, love in your conduct toward the children—that attracts them with an irresistible force, and it also draws down God’s blessing upon them and us. Bl Pauline von Mallinckrodt

Very early in my career as a teacher, I was told by a school social worker that “learning only happens in relationship”. As a young man with a monumental excess of hubris, I did not understand what she was telling me (I was all about passing on “knowledge” and teaching students how to acquire more of it). From the rocking chair of retirement, I think I’m beginning to understand. Though the social worker’s advice was correct, Blessed Pauline’s words go straight to the heart: teaching involves “love for the children “. Some educational research has concluded that “love of a subject area” describes effective teachers. I agree that is not unimportant, but not the most important.

What this holy woman is saying does not apply only to those with careers in education. Everyone at some points in time serves as “teacher”, including rearing children, coaching, or mentoring. Without the element of love, teaching can deteriorate into anger, humiliation, punishment, and the destruction of self-confidence.

Pauline’s use of the phrase irresistible force is important, reminiscent of another attractive force, that of gravity. Love’s presence can be felt and it, like gravity, has an irresistible quality (as anyone who has suffered from falling knows). Aside from the observables such as voice tone, eyes, and general demeanor, most people are able to quickly sense its presence. Where does it come from? Pauline tells us it’s “from the heart”, that ineffable place deep within, which is nothing less than God’s active and loving presence within the “teacher” and “student”. Once again, we see that “love is of one piece”

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Love is never something that is ready-made. Something merely ‘given’ to man and woman; it is always at the same time a ‘task’ which they are set.  Love should be seen as something which in a sense never ‘is’ but  always ‘becoming’, and what it becomes depends upon the contribution of both persons and the depth of their commitment. St. John Paul II

A wise priest once noted  that “Marriage is the only sacrament which the partners give to one another every day”. St. John Paul seems to endorse that idea, and fifty three years of marriage has taught me the truth of it. We ought not be surprised—the Saint here reminds us that like everything else in this earthly sphere, marriage is  always in a state of “becoming”. Couples may stay together for a variety of reasons (the children, the finances, standing in community, church laws, etc.), but only a re-affirmation of the choice to love (commitment) makes the marriage “real”.  An “unchosen” kind of love may bring people to couple-hood, but only a love that is chosen will help the union not only “endure”, but—more importantly--thrive.

Of course, this view of love is not limited to marriage, but applies to relationships that are of the I-thou kind, so named by a twentieth century philosopher, Martin Buber. Such relationships are deeply personal and often have a greater intensity and a degree of mysteriousness. As such, they continuously evolve along with the ongoing evolution of each partner. Because of that reality, most relationships have a certain timeline—and often end "tacitly": one typically does not announce to a former friend that the relationship has ended. Indeed, it because of the depth of connection that partners often have an ineffable sense of its termination.

When a rift appears in a  healthy relationships, partners can more easily accept the new reality without rancor or blame.  While there may be  a time of mourning, , a certain gratitude may emerge for the gift of the relationship. However, in those instances in which the relationship has lacked a certain mutuality and respect (through the fault of oneself and/or of the other) the fallout can be painful.

Love between people has its seasons and what will keep them together is a continuously renewed choosing  for the relationship. I have come to believe that one of the reasons it is difficult to speak of love is that it is often understood superficially, what some call a “lovey-dovey” orientation. I’ve heard it said that in troubled marriages, it is important to imagine the marriage as an entity in the middle of a table as the couple try to “work things out”. The question can then be asked, “Am I willing to continue to commit to the marriage/”. This kind of approach takes away the personal blaming which often keeps the couple stuck. True love involves something “bigger than the partners”, what some call an organic union. It does get down to choice and hard work.

The above will only make sense when there is sufficient mutuality in the relationship. Sadly, if couples often use one another primarily to meet their own egoic needs, the wholeness of a relationship is compromised.  I have come to believe that mutual  respect is a “necessary but not sufficient” basis for any relationship and is never “negotiable”. 

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Try to put in the hearts of your children a love for home. Make them long to be with their families. So much sin could be avoided if…they really loved their homes. St. Teresa of Kolkata

In my first year of university studies, an English Professor used the example of “house/home” as a way of showing how words that are used interchangeably may vary in the kind of emotional and spiritual energy they connote. As a child of two immigrants, I grew up hearing my parents refer to their original European  “homes” despite having lived in Canada for many years..

It seems to me that the essence of “at homeness” has much to do with being in a place there you can be yourself, where you don’t have to wear the masks that hide your true nature. Teresa’s words suggest that parents or caregivers ensure that the home is such a place is one of love. Note that it’s not about the physical structure one happens to live in; it’s the loved ones with whom we feel secure and free because it is with them that we experience love.

Family therapists sometimes use analogy of a hanging mobile in their work. It can effectively show families how changes in one part of the mobile have an effect on its stability.  It can also remind members that there is a “wholeness” to families. Perhaps that is what the Saint refers to when she writes of loving their homes,  for it is love that is the “glue” of that wholeness, genetic connections notwithstanding.  

Though I believe that the universal longing for home may be grounded in actual times and places, ultimately it’s the soul’s yearning for its origin, which is God’s love. When one’s connection with ‘home’ is broken, the return to one’s ultimate “home” may fade from consciousness. A home founded on love keeps the memory alive.

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When a husband and wife are united in marriage, they no longer seem like something earthly, but rather like the image of God himself. St. John Chrysostom

This quote is a good reminder of the importance of one’s “God image”.  St. John seems have in mind a rather dynamic one for if marriage is anything, it is dynamic and always evolving. Unfortunately, many folks carry with them a rather static image of God and so his words may seem irrelevant as the partners in a marriage participate in their great adventure.

I admit to being somewhat uncomfortable about the notion of a marriage evolving beyond what the Saint  calls “earthly”. Marriage partners, Scripture tells us, become ‘one in the flesh’ (Gen. 2:24) and so by its very nature, marriage is grounded in the totality of the human person, which is very much “of the earth”. It may be that what Saint is reminding us is that “God is love”, and that marriage is grounded in love between two people.

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Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do…but how much love we put into that action” St. Teresa of Kolkata

This quote echoes the words of St. Therese of Lisieux: “Do little things with great love”. It assumes that the person who does the little things views all of life through the lens of love, so even the “little things”—which often are not little things in relationships— will be reflective of that stance at all times.

It’s often hard to tell when someone is doing things out of love, as some folks are skilled in acting. Our only gauge lies  within ourselves, if we dare to be  honest. I am certainly guilty of doing both little and big things without love, even though I may have tried to convince myself otherwise. However, effort, though important, is not enough. I don’t think it’s possible to make yourself authentically love a person, animal, place, or thing without having cultivated an openness to God’s love: maintaining an attitude of prayer/meditation—from the heart, not necessarily spoken or even thought. It’s not magic of course, and we still need to exercise our agency in breaking open the hard soil of resistance, including anger, resentment, past hurts, and pride.

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Above all else, I have learned that love must not be shut up in the heart, for “No one lights a candle and puts it in a hidden place, nor under a bushel, but upon a candle stick so that they who come in may see the Light (Luke 11:31) This candle, it  seems to me, represents the love which enlightens and gladdens not only those who are dearest to us, but all who are of the household, St. Therese of Lisieux

Let’s face it. I suspect that we all have times when we’ve “shut up love in the heart”. The reasons are many, including simple laziness (“You know I love you, so why do you keep asking?”, busyness (“I’m going to be very busy this week, so no “date night”), and lack of trust in one’s capacity to express love (“I’m never sure what to write in a card for him”)

I wonder if it really gets down to trust in the actuality and power of love. It’s  easily dismissed as naïve “lovey dovey talk”, with no connection to the real world. Perhaps it’s the perception that an entire day may go by without noticing signs of love. Perhaps at a deep level, we suspect that much of what we may say or do could not be described as “loving”, so we avoid any thought or talk about love.  Like Adam in the garden of Eden, we tend to hide from God rather than trust in our birthright of love so that failings (perceived or actual) can be acknowledged and received by a God whose very nature it is to love and forgive.

I find it interesting that Therese separates out “those who are dearest” from “all who are of the household ”. Its a recognition that we all have inner circles of intimacy which of necessity are small in number. Yet, the Saint is reminding us of what might be called a kind of “spillover effect” of love that “enlightens and gladdens” all. One caveat comes to mind, that the love of those who are dearest is not of the possessive kind. Such love only serves only to divide rather than foster a household of love.

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Love that leads to marriage is a gift from God and a great act of faith towards other human beings. St. John Paul II

Those who freely marry no doubt do so in a spirit of gratitude, even though their union may not be understood as “coming from God”.  As the Saint suggests, it is also a “great act of faith", which is typically understood as faith in the couple’s commitment to a permanent union (it is usually an act of unfaithfulness that leads to a dissolution of a marriage). Surprisingly perhaps, John-Paul, however, seems to look beyond the couple’s love for each other towards “other human beings”. Who are these “other human beings”?

Perhaps the only response to the question is “lots of people”. Of course, there are the relatives of the couple and, for many, the children that may be born of this union. Yet, the circle extends beyond these limits, if the couple genuinely love each other and continue to grow and mature in that love. It can’t be otherwise as the “energy field” of love cannot be hidden. The rational mind can’t figure out how this “works” but  it is a reality.

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